Parks And Rec Gets License To Kill Squirrels

SPOKANE — In a press release ripped from the screenplay from the movie Caddyshack
, the Spokane Parks and Recreation Department has declared war on the ground squirrels at Finch Arboretum.

The Parks and Rec Department, citing the ground squirrels’ encroachment on the Finch Arboretum with approximately 100 to 150 of the rodents right now, has decided they represent a clear and present danger
to the arboretum.

The danger, says the Parks and Rec Department, includes “digging tunnels and holes that people can trip and fall into” especially “children with smaller limbs” who are “especially vulnerable,” as well as eating tree roots, spreading diseases and spreading their own version of Manifest Destiny across the arboretum and into neighboring residences.

In the past the staff at the arboretum has resorted to chemical warfare – using “gas bombs” – but “they haven’t been very effective.”

Now the Parks and Rec Department has gone on the offensive, and their weapon of choice isn’t a piece of plastic explosive shaped liked a bunny rabbit or a gopher but the
Rodenator Pro
, a device which pumps propane and oxygen into the squirrel-made trenches and tunnels.

An electrical spark then detonates the propane, with the ensuing detonation causing a shock wave that kills the squirrels and collapses their tunnel networks before they can make a
great escape

This, the Parks and Rec Department says, “humanely disposes of the ground squirrels and implodes their tunnels.”

The blast caused by the Rodenator Pro issues a sound similar to a gunshot so officials are warning people they’ll be using the device all this week. If you live in the area, the police are already aware there’s blasting going on in the vicinity of the arboretum after they were alerted “by neighbors who thoughts the blasts sounded like dynamite or gunfire.”